what should a 30 year old be??

somewhere between blasé and hysterical

leslie zhang, marie claire china

Hi there! I’ve been writing on substack for almost 2 years now. Writing has always been my first love, and this is the first time I’ve been excited to consistently write in the history of my life on the internet. I love this community and I’m grateful for all of you.

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So for now, I’ve turned on paid subscribers but not actually paywalled any posts — I’ll run a series of experiments to see what makes the most sense, but for now nothing is changing. If you feel compelled to support my work, I’d love if you upgraded to a paid subscription <3

I’m turning 30 in a few weeks, which is both an idea that feels terrifyingly significant but also a milestone that is extremely ordinary. I’ve had this vague notion to write about what being a 30 year old in today’s world means and this particular brand of ambient anxiety that comes with reaching the milestone.

Sometimes I’ll read online about someone doing something disgraceful, and the criticism will often invoke their age: can you believe X is pushing 30 and still doing Y, how is this a 28 year old person.

The past few years, I’ve found my friends and I occasionally saying something along the lines of well I don’t want to be ____ when I’m 30. Various iterations of this include: still at Y job, not have moved away from Z place, going to acme, single, making tiktoks, going to surf lodge on the 4th of july.

Implicit in this is the idea of what a 30 year old should be. In our early 20s, turning 30 feels so far away that it becomes an abstract idea. But as we age, we never really revise our expectations of what it means to be 30 years old.

When I was 22, one of the analysts I worked with had taken a job at Apollo explaining that he wanted to be a millionaire by 30. At the time, I had thought this to be ambitious but somewhat plausible. And now mere weeks away from 30, my bank account is likely closer to $0 than it is to a million dollars.

edward hopper, soir bleu

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Lindsay and I used to both laugh and fret about missing the proverbial boat — that at some point between now and thirty-TBD everyone will have collectively decided that it’s time to stop partying, partner up, start a family, and we’ll be racing to the shore trying to flag down the last boat leaving the harbor with everyone else on board.

I felt like my natural inclination to writing a post about turning 30 is to say that THIRTY IS SO YOUNG!!!! Your 30s in NYC will be the most sex-and-the-city coded arc!!!! The Kardashians are having the best sex of their lives at 40! Everything can change TOMORROW!

More and more I am susceptible to the stories of people who were successful later in life. Last week my FYP fed me a video about Heidi’s Gardner’s journey to SNL: at 29, she had built a career as a hairdresser but upon encouragement from a friend started taking classes at the Groundlings. All of a sudden, she’s at her final showcase and auditioning to be the next cast member of SNL. I’m a sucker for the overnight success story because the message is clear — it’s never too late! Screw Sylvia Plath’s stupid figs, we can do it ALL and we have so much time!!!!!

One of the biggest things I’ve learned, is that when I see people that are successful it’s usually not the right person at the right time. Any person I’ve admired or observed that is currently at the top of their game, I’ll realize has spent years of working at their craft in some way, shape or form.

What I’m trying to say is: 30 is young, but I don’t think we should let ourselves procrastinate. Success often takes way more time than we think, and progress often happens in a step function. You’ll see nothing for so long but then one day, the right things will come together and you’ll be in the right place at the right time not by accident but because you’ve been showing up there for years already.

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There’s this paradox around turning 30 where I fear still going to clubs at 30 but also fear never going to a fun party ever again.

Matt reminded me the other day that people contain multitudes and I believe that can be applied to experiences too. There are days where I want to go out to dance, but most nights I’m in bed by 9. Something shifted in my brain a few years ago when drew said to me that none of these nights are new. There’s relief and peace in no longer feeling the pressure to chase the night — rather, I can go to my neighborhood restaurant with Ellie and Ian, call it a night after two glasses of wine, and settle into the back of a cab home, feeling tipsy and warm.

<3

Some things on the day you turn 30 are binary: having a million dollars in your bank account, having a partner, having a job, but just because you’ve checked the box doesn’t mean that it’s the final say.

I oftentimes finds that things feel strange and stressful because I haven’t fully thought through what I fear. Turning 30 will be in some ways just another day, and some of those binary outcomes will be 0 and some things will be 1. But pull back a layer, and most things are the grey in between: is your life enriched with experiences, learning, and expansiveness? is your job what you’re meant to be doing? are you at peace in your relationship? there will always be some level of ambiguity in the things that matter.

I’m not sure what it means to be 30 in today’s world — I can let you know in a few weeks time. Instead, I’ll leave you with a few meditations on getting older from some wiser women:

Alexa Chung, on turning 40

Georgia O’Keeffe

I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing that I wanted to do.

Olivia Laing

Zadie Smith

Maggie Nelson

with love