there is no such thing as a capsule wardrobe

arrival fallacy and the myth of the capsule wardrobe

Developing your personal style is all the rage on social media these days.

But in a quick-fix economy, a hard pill to swallow is that developing and refining your personal tastes takes time, effort and more often than you realize, bad outfits. It’s easy to lose sight that the point is not to acquire the “it-girl” essentials but to practice your journey of finding things that make you feel genuinely happy and slowly growing into and out of well worn pieces.

Sometimes I’ll look back on the items I bought in 2021/2022 and get mad at myself at spending the $300+ on a miaou dress by way of revolve 2-day shipping. While impulsive consumption is something I try to stay away from, the miaou dress also reflects a style decision I made at that point in time — and one that was true to my tastes when I was going out a lot.

I saw this tiktok last year and think it encapsulates how I often subconsciously feel about my wardrobe. I find myself falling into the trap that if I just bought that khaite belt or those the row flats I would finally have a wardrobe that is deemed so undeniably chic, that I’d never want anything ever again. But invariably the second I acquired the danielle jeans I had been lusting for, I started to get this pesky little itch again that I’m just one pair of pointed-low-heels-to-match-the-jeans away from the perfect wardrobe.

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Earlier this month, I published a meditation on self-work — this idea that ambitious goals that are worth achieving are meant to be hard, and to not be discouraged by inconsistency. But let me divulge a little spoiler.

When I was reflecting on the past year and the goals I had set out to achieve, I had a strange realization that I manifested many of the goal I set for myself in 2023. Granted, some of them were basically fail-proof (like signing up for a fashion design class) or ones that I didn’t managed to execute perfectly (like waking up at 630 every day) but more or less I got there on the things I’d set out to do.

As I was doing this exercise, I was sitting in the comfort of my childhood bedroom, writing in a journal (which I’ve been doing since I was 7) in some ratty high school shirts that I found in my dresser. It occurred to me that despite the fact I had technically achieved the things I had set out to do in 2023, I felt indistinguishable from how I felt the last time I was home for the holidays. And in fact, I felt like the same person that moved to new york 7 years ago, and the same person that lived in that bright pink bedroom a decade ago.

The biggest mindf*ck that I realized this year was that you can change your habits — you can become a morning person, stop drinking as much, start challenging yourself creatively — but at the end of the day, you can still feel like the same person.

In a way, it feels like scam. I thought that once I achieved these things, I’d have “glowed up”. Or at the very least, I’d feel different? But to be honest, 99% of the time, I feel how I’ve always felt — I’m not magically transformed into the smarter, more confident, hotter version of myself.

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Something I was introduced to last year was the concept of the “arrival fallacy”: this false idea that once we achieved our goals, we’ll obtain lasting happiness. I’ve heard iterations of this idea as a long-time reader of Tim Urban’s wait but why, but it’s also something that I keep learning and forgetting. Every time I set an ambitious goal, I am convinced that once I achieve that one last thing, I’ll finally feel like I’ve overcome my imposter syndrome and be squarely in the camp of having “made” it.

But a few months ago, I sat at a film screening hosted by sandy liang where an audience member asked her what her parents think of her “making it” with her namesake line. She shrugged it off and said they still think launching a brand is full of perils and risk. It’s remarkable how you can achieve the height of it-girl status as a designer and still not feel like you’ve made it.

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I’ve come to accept that I am an ambitious person, and goals have always been a way for me to feel motivated and confident. But too often, I chase after vanity metrics of prestige, achievement or validation that aren’t aligned to what truly excites me.

What I’m coming around to is that this idea we will never feel like we’ve arrived — whether reaching the height of career achievement or completing a capsule wardrobe. Not because those things cannot be accomplished in a vacuum (you can quite literally buy every single item off of some influencers “capsule wardrobe” list or over a career, work your way up to the c suite), but there are two flaws with this thinking:

1/ Most of the time, our expectations change in the process of getting to the destination. We will find ourselves drawn to new ambitions, new aesthetic choices and influenced by new ideas on the way to our goals. With a continuously moving goal post, the goal shouldn’t be to move faster, but to stay connected to the process.

And arguably more importantly, 2/ self-improvement will not make you feel lasting satisfaction with yourself unless you practice self-acceptance. Your goals may be ambitious and achieving them may be sweet, but they will not save us. Once the dust settles, we are who we’ve always been, living lives that are more or less the same.

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Over the holiday season, I was invited to a small brand launch where I not only felt completely out of place, but also on my way out the door, ran into one of the OG fashion bloggers. I was absolutely floored that we were standing there at the same event — in comical juxtaposition.

But as I was in the cab back downtown to meet up with a friend, it reminded me of this idea where even after we achieve the thing we want to achieve, more often than not, we will still be doing things that we were doing when we just starting out, the things we were doing before we started on our goals. When I look back on my life, I find that the way I spend my time (despite what I have or have not achieved) is largely constant: running, writing, cleaning my apartment, going on walks with friends, sitting behind a computer.

We can’t expect that changing our behaviors will magically save us. We won’t be different people once we’ve achieved the thing we’re striving for. I find that to be a beautiful thing — a reminder to make sure that we are truly aligned with what we are seeking. To spend time doing the things that we genuinely love. To enjoy the process rather than fixating on the goal. My mantra for 2024 is this: “I am grateful for the life I have, while working towards the one I want